The most painful part of loving is being open to it ending.
I recently became very aware of how true this is as I fell headfirst into a downward spiral with a man who was temporarily stationed in California for military training and due to leave November 1st -- *cough* smart choice I know (:-I) . I went into whatever we were knowing it was doomed, and for some reason thought it'd be fine to trudge ahead anyway. All I can say in defense of that is: the Rindfleisch family line is a very stubborn bunch of Norwegian/Germans. While I knew we were ending while we were beginning, I didn't anticipate how quickly two people could become so invested in one another. Honestly, I don't think I really knew what the h**l I was doing at all. There were moments where I would get out of work and be driving and I'd be on autopilot going 75 of the 60 freeway heading towards the Morongo Valley. In fact, my entire experience with... well we'll call him "W", just sort of happened without me being fully cognizant. The first night I drove out to meet him at the dive bar in 29 Palms (s/o to the bartender who had a Lace Up tattoo; you a dope human.) I remember parking the car in their tiny parking lot and thinking "How did I even get here?" There were then multiple moments where I would think outloud "What are you even doing, Anna?" I'm genuinely not sure what this "W" got out of this experience because I was such a neurotic mess of hot the cold around him.
To be fair though, I think I have not known myself for a long time now. I lost both my grandma and my dad within the timespan of 18 months of each other. I never really even dealt with losing my grandpa when i was 16. I have moved to Europe then back to California and am moving to England in less than two months. Fully knowing ALL this, past-Anna, for some reason decided that NOW in this current state of her scattered mind was just a great time to experience her first heartbreak of liking gone wrong.
The advice I have now, is be willing to release control. Be open to letting go of something that feels really good once it has become negative. You are, I am, enough. We are worth trying for; and if the guy/girl you're interested in isn't capable of see that: being willing to let go of the energy, time, and feelings you've invested in them. The hardest thing I've have to internalize for myself after the fallout was that I am deserving of better treatment. For a while I tried to remain in his life platonically, this was the wrong choice. Healthy relationships work because there is a balance. This balance comes from each person having an equal desire to know the other person. If a guy opens up to you about his life but you find yourself hesitant to open up about yours, there's a problem. If a guy stops asking you about your life, there's a problem. There are billions of humans living on this planet, we need context to develop sympathy for a person, that sympathy in turn fosters love and a desire to make sure that person is happy.
Ultimately, know that attempting to remain in someone's life when they do not want to be in yours any longer just prolongs the damage they are doing to your sense of self-worth. For if you get used to accepting an unequal amount of love what does that mean about how you have begun to see yourself. I am deserving of receiving a bottomless supply of love because I give an endless amount of love in return. If you, like I have the problem of remaining fiercely loyal even in the face of toxicity. Reach out to me : firstname.lastname@example.org I will be there, I absolutely promise.
I'm not saying that this guy completely crushed my heart, but I am saying that he stirred up some past trauma and feelings of being less-than other prettier, thiner, more vibrant women; and I think that has been the most painful part. This feeling of insignificance felt even more crushing when faced with losing my dad recently who's large bear hugs I would melt into when I needed a reminder that I was loved. "W" wasn't exactly good or bad, we both swung on a spectrum and we both used each other for different ends. His ends, well I feel confident in saying they were sexual based, and perhaps at some point he caught some real feelings, but I'll never know the extent of that. My ends, well I think I was seeking comfort and attention in any form I could get it in.
I think this desire contributed to me not realizing fully what I was doing. These trance-like periods in turn to produced a lot of denial which fostered an artificial fantasy. I look back now and see how I potentially read into a lot of things in ways that strengthened the fabricated fantasy of love-at-first-sight. With space to process I can see how in my hyper-stressed-grief-torn mind I conflated the real guy before me with the picture of my childhood fantasy of this knight-in-shining-armor. There have been times since our ending that I've thought: Why am I not special enough to make him want to try to make 3,888 miles distance work? I have thought: How can a person use someone else like that and then just be completely fine with walking away? After many hikes in the desert and many conversations with my best friends I have come to realize that people aren't wholly good or bad, sometimes feelings freak them out, the choices they make have unexpected consequences, and they withdraw rather than try to embrace the feeling. That withdrawal, while beneficial to them ultimately hurts someone else. Know that when this happens, when you are the one hurt and the one doing the hurting is unwilling to talk or make amends, know then that, that is the exact time that you leave. Even if it feels good, and believe me it felt good with "W"; we felt like home together. But you can't start a relationship that has 3,888 miles distance in-between two people who began the "thing" they were in based on how much chemistry their bodies had when they were near each other. And you definitely cant have a relationship with a guy who's giving 10% effort to your 90%.
We moved at an unrecognizably fast pace